The Demon of Doubt
by risenfromash
Summary: Phoenix & Trucy live as though persecuted by a demon.  Is it all in Phoenix's head?  Do his secret messages to Maya convey what he wishes he could say?  And how long will they be forced to endure this? One-shot post-disbarment, pre AJ


**Risenfromash:** This started as a drabble fro Devotionals and grew to be it's own weird one-shot. I'm not sure I'm happy with it, but I also lack the desire to fuss with it anymore. So, here you are…

It's always the same for me. A mailbox in some part of the city. An envelope sometimes large, sometimes small. I look around to make sure I haven't been followed and once I'm confident my trail has been lost, I drop it in the box. The clank of the heavy metal fills me with pleasure. Its strength will protect my loving sentiments. For the letter is a love letter no doubt about it. She knows it and I know it even though it doesn't say it. Even though it says nothing personal and even though it is filled with false details and lies in case it is intercepted. What **is** important aren't the words, it's that I've done it. That I've taken the walk to this lonely mailbox far from my home and dropped her a line. A line to let her know that I am alive and thinking of her. It says in its unwritten prose that I love her, that I'm thinking of her, that I miss her, and that I wish we could be together, and soon that envelope will be in her hands.

It will make her smile and though I can't see her grin I will be able to feel it. I'm convinced we're linked in some cosmic, other worldly way. We don't have to be physically with one another to be together, or so I tell myself, but perhaps it is nothing more than delusion…just like this apparent paranoia of mine.

Maybe, but wasn't it odd that Kristoph was standing outside my place yesterday in the middle of the night? And wasn't it an odd sort of coincidence that he came to see Trucy's show on Thursday night when I had told him I would be staying home with a cold?

That's why it's always a different mailbox and the letters never say what I wish they could say. Instead, they are from nom-deplumes spinning yarns about walking nonexistent dogs or eating at the latest restaurant in town.

Sometimes I'm unsure of what is real and what isn't, but I believe in our love. I believe that it is steadfast and true and that she will know the true meaning of the message. She will know what I dare not write. She will understand like no one else can.

She would be with me if I would let her. I am sure of that, but Trucy and I are haunted by a demon. He drifts in and out of our lives never giving us rest threatening us and those around us with death. We are on the run without moving and were we to try to make a dash for it that demon would bring us down. The evil one is satisfied to let us live as long as we stay where we are and do not challenge him. We are his playthings, nothing more than amusements.

Someday I hope we can become the family I want us to be, me and her and her, but until that time I've told her not to write or call or visit. Her single protest to my directions comes in the form of a loophole. She doesn't write or call or visit, but she insists on using her favorite characters to send me messages. The icons featured in her favorite DVDs give speech to her thoughts, and though I've always disliked the show I find the moment when the Pink Princess tears herself from the Steel Samurai's arms saying, "I will always be with you… in spirit," more poetic than anything written by Shakespeare and I know this love sonnet is for me and me alone. It is a confirmation of her feelings for me.

But without a note sometimes I wonder… Am I crazy? Do I read too much into episode seventeen's lines between the Evil Magistrate and the Steel Samurai? Is she sending me a message about Kristoph? Am I searching for symbolism where there is none? Perhaps, she honestly thinks I need a little drama in my life this week, as though my life lacks it!

The truth is I have no concrete evidence that she 'gets' my messages, understanding them as I wish her to. Maybe she receives the letters and doesn't know they're from me. Perhaps she is angry with me for failing over and over again to acknowledge the DVDs she sends me. If only I could tell her the truth, but the truth is shrouded in shadow making it difficult to discern. Is Kristoph my friend or enemy? Is he as evil as he seems? Would he really hurt her or Trucy or me? And what of that brother of his? Would this rock god play along with or orchestrate a plot to cause us harm?

One minute I feel so sure, so confident, that Trucy and I will be triumphant and prevail against those who would hurt us. The next moment I believe I am unhinged and that I ought to find Trucy a saner guardian, one who would actually pick up the phone to call the woman he loves.

Because, I could be keeping us apart for no real reason. And what if these coded communications of ours are for naught, and what if I'm not only wrong about that? What if the Master of Kurain is simply sending me Steel Samurai DVDs for the hell of it? She has been known to do some rather random things in the past…

What if by the time this is over she has all but forgotten me and the connection I was so sure we shared?

No, I can't think like that. I mustn't allow myself to be ensnared by doubt like that. I must have faith. I must have confidence that I am right. That I am smart. That badge or no badge she has not abandoned me and that even though we are separated she thinks of me fondly knowing that were things not as they are we would be together.

We must channel our energies towards vanquishing the demon so that we can finally **really** say to one another the things we can only now hope are the intended meanings between a bunch of random letters and the cheesy dialogue of a child's TV show.


End file.
